oasislogs | When I was a child, I heard voices

Entry tags:

daryl dixon | the walking dead

When I was a child, I heard voices

WHO: Daryl & Beth
WHERE: Warehouse
WHEN: Wed 16 (backdated)
WARNINGS: emotions
SUMMARY: Daryl apologizes to Beth

Daryl hadn't seen her since he yelled at her. He'd been avoiding her. Scared of going near. But he knew the general schedule she'd been keeping to. It's how he'd been able to keep out of her hair and keep her out of his. It also meant that when he was ready, he was able to find her.

She was in one of the apartments on the second floor. He couldn't tell if she was cleaning it up in an attempt to claim it, or just to have something to do. But she was there, and he was... he was there, too.

He stood in the door for a while before clearing his throat and waving, "Most of us are sleeping on the other side of the building. Places here don't got a lot of walls between beds, but we managed to get some screens made."

Daryl didn't look at her, kept his head down, arms crossed, but he was talking a lot more casually. Forced as it may have been.

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Her mouth formed a tight line as she felt a twisted sense of anger creeping up and over her. It shamed and disgusted her to be feeling it, but it couldn't be helped. She had understood that he would need his own time to speak to her again, but it frustrated the hell out of her that he had so easily discarded her away like she was nothing.

"That's good," she casually remarked, and tried to act like she didn't care by crouching down to pick up the trash that she had dropped. The only issue with this plan was she did care, and it was obvious in the pained way she looked over at him. Like she was desperate for him to accept her once again, which she was.

"I'm still upset. You're more stubborn and bullheaded than the most determined goat. You know that, Daryl?" The second she asked him the ridiculous question, her anger left her and she was left crouching on the ground and anxiously fiddling with a dirty old shoe.

She saw him as discarding her away like nothing, but for Daryl it had been the biggest struggle of his life just to move on from her. Having her come back felt like he'd fallen down a pit he couldn't climb, the ground sliding out from under his feet and never stable enough to grab hold of. She made him weak. And he'd always fought against being weak. Feeling weak.

Only, his family often made him feel weak and he kept coming back to them. Because they also made him feel strong. He was willing to be weak for them. For their sake. To protect them and make sure they had a chance at happiness.

Daryl kept his head down and nodded at her declaration. He wasn't surprised she was upset with him. His lips pressed into a line and he waited. For whatever it was she wanted to say or do to him. He deserved it.

She struggled to come to terms with what she was feeling. She hated herself for being upset with him, because she loved him so much and owed him a great deal.

"You're my family," she toyed with that old shoe some more, batting at it hard enough that it skid far enough away she couldn't touch it any longer. "And I love you, whether you want me to or not."

She was upset, but all families got upset with one another. She couldn't keep track of how many times she had been furious with Maggie or her parents, only to wind up with her feelings diffused in a matter of hours or minutes. Beth couldn't ever carry a grudge, and she hated anger because it took the light out of her heart. It weighed her spirit down, and she didn't need to be weighed down here. So she moved to stand up, and began to cautiously move in closer to him. The caution lasted for a total of a second and a half before she was rushing forward to try and hug him, tight as she could.

"I've missed you so much, and couldn't tell you because I've been at that hospital all alone."

Daryl caught her rushing toward him and was able to brace for the hug he knew was coming. His eyes squeezed shut and his body tensed, but he didn't pull away from her. He didn't flinch.

A breath got sucked in, shuddering as his heart started beating a mile a minute. She was real. Her arms around him strong and warm. Her head tucking against his shoulder heavy on his chest. Her body pressing into his sturdy and sure. She was real.

Slowly, because he was having trouble thinking and breathing, Daryl let his hands wrap around her. He didn't let them hover at her elbows the way he'd done during one of their first hugs, but actually put them around her back. One going to her shoulder, the other across her waist. He pressed his hands open-palmed against her and pulled her closer.

When she felt that he was hugging her in return, she broke down completely. She couldn't hide her tears or the way her body shuddered with her crying, but she hoped he understood it was because she was happy and relieved. She couldn't find words within her to tell him that, so they just stood there in that embrace until she felt strong enough to lean back and look up at him.

"Guess this means you're stuck living with me again, huh?"

He seemed to want her to move toward everyone else, and she couldn't have been happier about it. She had never felt completely alone before, not even at the prison when she was really the only one her age around. Since being here though, she had felt all alone, and it was an immense weight taken off her shoulders to know that she could be close to Daryl once again.

Daryl finally chanced a glance at her face. His eyes meeting hers briefly before they darted away. Still unsure, still scared of her seeing him be so vulnerable. He felt exposed with her so close.

But he nodded at her question. And he didn't let her go. He wasn't sure he could just yet. She wasn't just another dead girl he'd failed anymore. He had another chance to make things right. First thing he was going to do, was make sure she got a proper hug. One that lasted.

She had seen him vulnerable before, but never like this. She understood the magnitude of the moment, and simply enjoyed the fact that he was able to hold onto her in a hug. She leaned back in a little closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. She managed to snag the stitches on her cheek in the process and gave a little hiss as she adjusted, but once she was settled she stayed right where she was at. She felt safe for the first time in a long while.

"I'm sorry," she finally whispered after what felt like a long silence. "For being angry with you just now. I shouldn't have been."

The apology got a snort out of him. And after another second, it got words, too, "Nah. You had every right."

Closest he was going to come to admitting he'd been an ass to her. The hand on the back of her shoulders shifted, moved downward until he was loosening his grip. Then dropped away entirely, along with the rest of him. He wasn't pulling away or forcing her to let go, but even when trying, there was only so long he felt comfortable holding a person like that. And he was pushing his limits as it was.

She recognized he needed some space and pulled away herself, but rose up on her tiptoes to place a kiss to his cheek before she did. She was so happy in that moment, glad to have a place she belonged once again.

"Guess so," she agreed with him, smiling up at him. Her anger was the farthest thing from her mind right now. All that mattered was that they could find a way to move on from this. "But tell me what it is you've been doing here, and how I can help you with it."

Daryl shrugged half-heartedly, leaning back against the door frame while he went back to picking at his nails, "Just trying to make it work for us. Been here a little over a month now. Figure we're probably not going no where anytime soon. Might be it's home."

'Home' for all of them had just been a place to settle in and put down roots. A place they could be without having to keep running. Wasn't really 'home' in the sense it was where their heart was. But even with the cannibals and the walkers and, hell, the rain, it was a place to lay their heads where they didn't have to worry about moving on. Not as much as they had after the farm and the prison.

"Home." The word felt strange to her because it had been so long since she felt like she had one. "I thought the prison would be safe. But I know now that home doesn't mean someplace is safe." She had been so idealistic and foolish even as little as a month ago. Now she knew better.

"I'll do whatever you need to make it work here."

She awkwardly shuffled a little, realizing that she wasn't sure what she could do in a place where so many people were much more useful than she was. "I know Judith ain't here, and there aren't any other kids, and cooking probably is someone else's job...but I want to do something."

"Ain't how it been working," Daryl shook his head and lifted his chin. This time looking at her as he spoke. He shuttered in a breath but forced it out a little smoother. Another in and out and then he was good. Controlled. "Everyone rotates on duties unless they want to do something. Ain't making no one do all the domestic stuff. We all get a day where we do the laundry and the cleaning and the cooking and all that shit. And the rest of the time we're out doing what we need to. Runs into the city, hunting, learning weapons for those that need them. Patrols. You wanna take that up, ain't no one gonna stop you."

Her face brightened as he described how life here went. She had observed the way they all did things, of course, but had been on the outside looking in. Now that she knew she'd get to be a part of it, it made her oddly excited to jump right in. No one here was going to treat her like a child, because apart from Glenn and Daryl, they hadn't known her back when she was. She was just like another other adult to the people here.

"I want to." She answered him firmly, giving a nod of her head.

"I need to go on a run soon, see if we can find a hospital or a doctor or something. I need something to keep my stitches clean until they're ready to come out." She definitely didn't want them getting infected, it would end with her dying on Daryl and he really didn't need that on his conscience for a second time.

Daryl's eyes drifted, focusing in on the stitches as his brows furrowed, "Boiled water not good enough?"

He wasn't upset if it wasn't. Just concerned. A huff of air came out and he straightened, "You do a run, you do it with a partner. The rain's been coming down about two weeks now and there's no sign it's letting up. Glenn's been scouting when he can. The rain and the bastards from the desert's been complicating things. Half of us used to stay at the hotel, but they came here once them pricks got into the city."

"It'll work for now." She wasn't her daddy, she didn't know as much about medicine as he did. But she knew that supplies were likely in short demand, and from the look of the city she had seen so far, medical supplies had probably long since ruined or expired. Boiled water was likely all she had, and that would do.

"But any runs I go on?" She made direct eye contact with him, eyebrows arching as she nodded. "You're coming with me. I'm not letting you out of my sight again." The last time she had, they wound up separated and apparently awful things had happened that scarred him. They didn't need a repeat of that happening here.

Daryl bit at his lip, cringing a little and turning his head to hide it as his nose crinkled. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and back again before he started pacing in short, shallow circles.

"Can't promise that," he said eventually, sighing as he did. "Not enough people and all of them are looking to me to lead them. I need to put the people I trust to watch themselves with the people who ain't there yet."

"Am I someone you trust to do that?" The question was direct, and she knew it. But she wanted to know where she stood. It was important for her to figure out what she had to do in order to earn Daryl's trust and respect, since she looked up to him and wanted him to do both.

"Who else would you be?" He asked back, surprised she felt the need to clarify. Of course she was one of those he needed helping the others learn the ropes. Everything she'd been through? Even before leaving the prison, he'd trusted her to step up and do her fair share if it was needed.

"A kid," she quickly responded, averting her eyes briefly as she felt color rise to her cheeks. She felt silly, blushing in front of him after asking a dumb question. "One that needed to learn things still."

Feeling self-conscious about having asked what she did, she reached up to tuck some hair behind her ear. "I thought about being a teacher once, when I was little. It'll be good to get a chance to do it now."

"You are a kid," he scoffed, smiling just a little. She was still young. Still learning. "Just 'cause I let you have a drink, don't go thinking it changes that. But it don't mean you can't be trusted, neither. You learned good."

That pulled a laugh out of her and she gave him a mock-cross look. "I'm eighteen, you know!" Her continued laughter was a sign that she didn't really mind, and as she shoved both hands into her back pockets she stood up a little taller as if that would make her instantly look like a real adult.

"Speaking of drinks, you got anything here?" After the past few weeks she's had, she could use a strong drink.

Daryl made a face that was clearly meant to mock her high and mighty declaration of adulthood. As if age had anything to do with being an adult and he found that idea downright laughable and offensive. Mostly it just screwed his face up in a stupid way that ended with him almost rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

"What little I found's been broken open," he answered with genuine disappointment. "No good anymore. Could probably set up a still, but it ain't really a luxury most people would consider important."

"That's cause it isn't," Beth teased him a little, unable to stop from smiling. She had her hope back, and it showed in her relaxed posture and the lightness about her that hadn't been there since back at the prison.

"What's important is staying together. Making sure everybody's got food and ways to keep warm when the weather's like this." With the rain coming down nonstop, she knew she was thin and exhausted enough to feel chilled to the bone.

"I don't know..." he reached up to run his index finger along her stitches, lightly, no pressure. "Alcohol's good for disinfecting shit. Could be useful."

He paused, then grinned - yes, actually grinned, "When we ain't drinking it."

Her eyes slid closed at the touch, because the last time someone other than herself had touched at her injury was Dawn, and it had been a slap that tore it right open again. She had quickly become used to the coldness of the hospital, and to have the warmth of family back was overwhelming.

"I'll find a way to get some then." It was a promise, given as she opened her eyes and looked up at him. "I'll head out tomorrow, see what I can find." If she couldn't find any bottles, maybe she could get what he needed to set up a way to make his own.

Daryl had to stop himself from protesting, instead squeezing his lips into a thin line before he nodded and said, "Take someone with you to watch your back. Bucky or Steven if they're willin'. Newt or Thomas, maybe. Padme. You met any of them, yet?"

He wasn't going to suggest Glenn because he didn't want to presume anything for his friend. That was something Glenn would have to approach on his own.

"I met Padme." Beth nodded, deciding that she would ask the other woman to go along with her. They both looked like people who shouldn't go out on supply trips, so why not pair off together and manage to make it work?

"I'll ask her to go along." She seemed to have the same idea in thinking about Glenn, because she frowned a little and fidgeted before asking, "Do you think Glenn might want to go with me next time?"

"Don't know," he answered truthfully and in a quiet voice. "He seemed happy with the idea of you being real. But I don't know if he'd want to go out with you. Or have you go out."

Not that it was Glenn's call to make. That was Daryl's. But Daryl didn't want to be at odds with Glenn over Beth and what she was allowed to help with.

"It's not his choice to make." Her voice trembled slightly, but she tried to be firm on the sentiment. After Dawn, no one was going to tell her how to make herself useful or what she could do ever again. Her daddy was long gone and Maggie wasn't here, and Beth trusted Daryl to make the right choices to keep her safe. But she was going to decide her own fate.

"I just want to be able to see him up close and hug him again, that's all." She missed him, and had been lonely since arriving. She didn't want to make him upset with her presence, but also wasn't sure how much longer she could keep her distance.

"Gotta work that out with him," Daryl said, keeping his tone calm. Soft. "But he does want to see you."

She nodded in response, turning her head to try and hide a smile. "Good. That's...that's real good. I was worried he wouldn't want to."

Daryl straightened up, taking a deep breath, "Come on. Get your shit. We'll move you in with the rest of us."

"I don't have anything." The smirk she gave him was most definitely cheeky, and she laughed as she moved past him, grabbing hold of his hand to drag him along after her. She knew exactly where everyone else was staying, and was more than excited to get to be a part of them at last.

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When I was a child, I heard voices

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